I don’t want to go mother, I want more cuddles and warmth……
My age is exactly 70 hours. I was safe inside my mother’s womb, but she couldn’t keep me there forever. I was so connected to her. But now, I feel so exposed. She must be really strong to have survived here for 23 years. Now,she is being cursed for having me. My paternal grandfather has not slept in 4 days. He wanted me to be a boy, but I don’t understand why. Do you ever expect a cat to be a lion, or a lion to be a cat? My paternal grandmother serves the students living in the nearby area food in lunchboxes. Those elder brothers and sisters of mine, who visit her, often go hungry, just because they don’t want to burden my grandmother. They also came to see me, but my mother’s sister-in law denied them. She says I am not in the best of my health. Really? My mother is quiet and numb. She says nothing at all. She has gone pale, she looks tired. She does not have parents and she is stuck here, with my entire paternal family, who refuse to accept me. I wonder what they plan to do to me. I am so scared. Is it only me or does this usually happens in this new world of mine?
Oh! And do I have a father? Yes, I do. But why haven’t I seen him? Slowly, mom picks me up to feed me, and she whispers in my ears, “Your father is afraid of seeing you. He thinks it may weaken him, but I love you little princess, I don’t care about others, you are a blessing to me.” I can’t tell you the way I feel, I can’t be fed, I’m crying so hard. My mom loves me so much, and my dad doesn’t want to see me. It saddens me. Am I grown up enough to bear it all? I guess no one is ever so grown up to bear such a rejection.
My grandfather enters the room and says, “We’ll throw her out before she grows into a curse for our family”. I am so scared. Throw me, means? Where? Why? How? Would they kill me? Mom, please say something? Then finally my dad walks into the room, and I stop listening to anything because I just want to see, love, observe, and feel my dad’s warmth. He is speaking so loudly, I am scared. But I love him instantly, completely. He comes to me, picks me up in his arms and feel my father’s touch for the very first time. I feel his hands shaking. Is he afraid of picking up a child? I am okay, even if he can’t handle me with care. I just want him to hold me.
He kisses my forehead and gives me a big polythene bag. He says it’s a gift for me. He says he got me a pink dress. What does a dress mean? My mom opens the bag and puts my arms and legs into the pink thing, wrapping me with it. Are they going to wrap me in the pink dress and throw me? I want to cry and cry, I don’t want that dress, I just want to live. And then they cover my legs with pink boxes that they call shoes. And finally, my head is covered with a pink frilly cover they call a hat. I am crying because I feel that this dress, and hat and shoe are going to kill me. Finally dad holds me again, and my fear is gone. He calls me a doll. Is a doll a dead or dying thing? Who cares, I feel adored when I am being called by this name. He is walking in the room, singing me a lullaby. Mother is looking at us, as if this is what she always wanted. She looks pretty. I feel so tired, and sleepy. Those melodies my dad is murmuring for me are making lulling me to sleep. “Is this how they will throw me?” is my last waking thought.
I wake up to loud noises of people yelling and crying. It is my mom and dad. They are holding my grandfather’s legs, begging him for something. And there my grandfather stands, adamant and stubborn. The rest of my paternal family is in the next room, weeping. I can’t understand what went wrong. Was I not supposed to sleep? I’m sorry that I did. “But I am alive mommy”, I cry loudly. They all turn towards me, as I wake up. My mother moans even louder. My grandfather pushes my mother aside, and like the Kansa from Mahabharat, a tale my mother recited to me when I was in her womb, my grandfather picks me up by one leg. I cry, and howl, so very scared. My leg hurts me so much. My bones are so soft. How cruel he is! Grandpa, please put me down. I would love you too if you would let me I want to tell him. But he is so angry and hurtful.
I cry and cry as he pulls off my father’s gift and wraps me in a polythene bag. He is covering my face and nostrils too, and I think maybe he doesn’t know how to dress me correctly. I flail my arms and legs and cry as the polythene suffocates me. I hear screams and sobbing around me. I think everyone is telling my grandfather what a mistake he is making by wrapping my face, but he ignores them. I’m almost asleep as walks quickly holding me in that polythene bag. Then I go flying and fall into smelly garbage..barely breathing. My grandfather threw me in a dumpster, there are rats here, and dogs sniffing at me..I am scared mother..but I’m fading fast already.
Goodbye mother, goodbye father. I love you, and I loved the time I spent in your arms. Sorry for 9 months of trouble mother. Hope you are happy when I am gone.
I don’t want to go mother,
I want more cuddles and warmth,
I want my father’s embrace,
I want to see the world outside that one room I saw,
I want the chance to change the fate of many tiny lives like mine,
I want to be more than garbage, food for scavengers.
Goodbye mother, my soul peeped one last time from that dumpster, just to see your loving eyes before mine closed forever.
